Risk and Reward

2012 promises to be an interesting year for me. Although I have made a few resolutions (if I must call them that... It seems as though deeming something a resolution dooms it to fail immediately) I only want to talk about one today.

RISK.

I want to take more risks. Unfortunately I cannot take credit for this idea, but it came from Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project", which I read for a course last semester. Through the kitschy chapters, I rolled my eyes and tried very hard to disprove her evidence, but her idea to take more risks stuck with me. 

I am not a risk taker. It's safer that way, but it also limits me in numerous ways. One of my least charming qualities is that I tend to take myself out of the equation before I can fail. Sometimes this means not trying at all. This especially happens for internships, awards, opportunities, etc. that I am very, very interested in. I am the best at rationalizing reasons not to try, but it's really because I would rather not try and not fail. Sometimes I can overcome this fear and apply anyways, and the times that I have done so, I usually find that it works out.

But this year, I say no more. There is no way for me to learn or grow without sticking my neck out and maybe getting hurt. I officially started this resolution a little bit early, but I am continuing to foster it as the year goes on, and hopefully I will get some reinforcement somewhere along the way

While I am not saying that everything I try that's new or ambitious will succeed, I have to believe that I will gain some cool new opportunities through taking more chances, and so here are the things about which I am currently swallowing my fear and trying to achieve:

1. Active Minds' Emerging Scholars: This is a program that chooses 6 Psychology projects to sponsor and gives a small stipend, internet space for discussing and sharing the project's progress and results, a day-long brainstorming session with other researchers, and some cool bragging rights. 

Just submitted my application and I will know something by January 12th.

2. Humanity In Action Fellowship: This program sends 50 American students to one of five cities for a month over the summer to study minority and human rights in Middle-Western Europe. It's very similar to what I did in Strasbourg over the summer, but much more involved, prestigious, and (mostly) paid for! The thought of participating literally gives me chills, but with just under a 10% acceptance rate, it's also terrifying. 

The application is due January 9th, and I still have to tweak my personal statement, write an essay, upload some documents, and finalize recommendations. I will find out by Feb. 14th if I'm a finalist.(Then interview, and final decisions will be made by March 14th.)

3. Who's Who Among College Seniors: We all know what this puppy is...And I turned in my form. We shall see!

4. BigSURS Conference: Despite almost missing the deadline twice, I've submitted my Honors abstract to present a poster at this conference in April. If my project gets accepted, it would be my first presentation at a conference. 

I will find out in mid-February if I've been selected to present.

The moral of the story.. Not all of these opportunities will work out. Most of them won't. (Though if any two of them did, I would be absolutely ecstatic...) But I have gotten past the ridiculous degrading voice in my head telling me that I can't, and therefore still have a chance. 

I'll keep you posted, and have a wonderful start to 2012!

Work

It's official: Burnout season is upon me.

As the last week of classes begin, I have just finished revising a 11,171 word research proposal for my honors project...  So no, writing a 6 page Great Books paper has no draw for me right now. 

After this Friday, I will only have to revise one paper, write one more paper, and then prepare my research presentation. While these are all important things, somehow making all A's anymore doesn't have too much sway on my behavior. 

How to get motivated.... I'll get back to you. 

Sweet simplicity

Today I'm reflecting on the most simple and often most important joy in my life: Music.

After wearing through a youtube and spotify playlist of some favorites from the Ten out of Tenn tour, here is a list of songs that I absolutely cannot live without lately:

"Rain or Shine" - Matthew Perryman Jones

"Where The Road Meets The Sun" - Katie Herzig / Matthew Perryman Jones

"This Could Kill Me" -Amy Stroup

"Simple Us" - Trent Dabbs / Amy Stroup

"Cinnamon and Chocolate" - Butterfly Boucher

And not TOT-related, and really quite different:

"Some Nights" (Not yet released) - fun.

"Kiss Quick" - Matt Nathanson

Those first five are stunningly beautiful but also amazingly simple. My jaw basically dropped to the floor when it took only 5-10 minutes to figure out chord progressions for a few of those songs. How on earth could something so beautiful and seemingly complex be so easy to learn? I am nowhere near their level of talent or ingenuity, but there was a small comfort in knowing that I don't have to be virtuosic to make music that is meaningful. 

At the same time, fun.'s music is the most catchy, heartfelt, complicated, and wonderful music that I've heard in awhile. They add another element to my goal as a future (hopefully..) songwriter. To write lyrics that just fit, sometimes specific, often not, and make the choruses ring so that you feel guilty overlooking the equally amazing verses which begin and follow them. I want to write songs like that. And I'm not sure how to get there. 

There are a few things lately that are stumbling blocks to achieving my goal of writing one, (just one..) song. 

First: Real life. I feel as though the time that I should be constantly spending on other things is sometimes wasted sitting with my guitar and staring at a notebook, and also that the life I'm living now may not be one to exactly write home (or a song) about. My first answer for how I am doing is "busy", and writing songs about all of the meetings I've been to lately doesn't seem too compelling. There are plenty of abstractions to be made from this stage of my life: transition, stress, loneliness.. But sometimes I feel as though I have to reach back to freshman year for inspiration, and often those feelings are just too far away. 

Second: Theory. Confession time: I'm not very good at the guitar. Or writing melodies (aka I can't.) I have an ear for harmonies, but my dad taught me to play bass first and then I learned some chords from him and eschewed all formal training thereafter. I basically learn to play what I want to, and know some basic picking patterns and chords. Sometimes I feel as though learning to play piano or learning more from the beginning of music theory would benefit my ability to write music. 

Third: Walls. The thought of letting people hear what I really think about things is absolutely terrifying. If I can tap into feelings that I think really matter, I'm not sure I want anyone really hearing that. 

Honestly, the process will probably involve writing a little at a time, learning some new techniques, and trying it out regardless of how awful I think it will be. Fear is not something I want to keep me from creating.

Here goes nothing.

Natural Habitat

I've caught myself doing something rather odd lately.

Sometimes I find myself apologizing for lounging in my oversized sweatshirt or pajamas in the evenings.

What we wear has something interesting to say about us, there is no doubt, and I've found that what I choose to wear is something of a comfort zone for me. Just as Sam Gosling studies people's spaces for clues about their personalities, likes, and dislikes, most of my clothes hold some kind of significance.

 For some reason there is an inherent conflict with what I usually wear and the roles that I hold both around campus. I think this is because I am and yet am not in what I like to call my "natural habitat". When in public, I feel most like myself in a pair of chacos, a v-neck t-shirt, maybe my bookbag, and either plain shorts or jeans. This seems pretty normal to me, but most of the reasons that I love my clothes are deeper than just the fact that they are comfortable. Yes, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a stickler for comfort, especially my fellow camp-counselors, from whom I heard "L-Mac...YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO WEARS CROCS. AND WE ARE AT OUTPOST." more times than I care to recount.. But my Chacos mean something to me.. my first pair was worn out from years of traipsing around the North Georgia and North Carolina mountains, my new pair of Chacos was given to me by a fellow camp counselor near the end of one of the best summers of my life. They not only nurse my once-broken right foot, but they just feel like me. Comfortable, chill, and fairly functional. My t-shirts are really only ones which I care about: Alpha Gam, Camp Glisson, AWARE.. All things which have not only taken up time and afforded me with t-shirts, but have shaped who I am as a person and why I want to represent them around campus. 

Going back to the original point, I feel more comfortable and more open when I'm in clothes that represent who I am and how I feel. Especially while doing homework, my two favorite grey sweatshirts are a staple, and if I happen to be able to run around in pajamas... All the better. One of my goals in the near future is to be okay with being in my natural habitat. Yes, I love dressing up for date nights, formals, badge attire days, interviews, and the like, but I have found in the past that people don't ignore you completely if you choose to dress comfortably and in a way that represents you. 

In this vein, I would like to take a page out of some pretty good psychology, and let my clothes not only say something about me and the things I do, but maintain a wardrobe which reminds me of fun times and allows me to stay as close to my little creative cave as possible. 

Creation

So... Today is a day to create, so it seems. Partially because this blog was created!

I don't know what draws me to blogs, but I think it has something to do with the elements of sharing, responding, connecting, and understanding which in many ways govern my life. Combining all of them in one element is all a distracted girl could ask for, and thus I take advantage. Although this site has certainly been created, I am not sure exactly where it will lead.

This will likely be a space in which I try to understand and relate things about my life, music, living, maintaining sanity, and any of the above. These are just a few topics that I journal about all the time, so maybe some of these things can be of some use to you, or at least entertaining.

So my goals for this blog and maybe for the next few months:

1) Write a song: I love music.. and thus I want to learn to create it in a meaningful way.

2) Relax: Take some of the advice that I am constantly giving to friends, family, and students through my field placement. I am right there with you in needing some me-time, friends..

3) Do work: Schoolwork, grad school work, craft work.. Whatever there is to be done, do it to the fullest and recognize what I'm learning and how I'm growing.

As a good friend always tells me..these are things. Many of which will happen in the coming weeks, and for that.. I am very excited.